X: Spoof
by mileouttahell
Summary: A series of outtakes from X. Macabre and tasteless humor ahead, as well as some spoilers through the January Asuka. Updated with another set (shorter this time) at request.
1. Of eye games and heads...

The cast of X slowly files onto a stage, Seals first, followed by Angels. A small girl of about college age with brown hair and glasses steps up to the mike, between the groups (who are glaring at each other). The author clears her esteemed throat before speaking.  
  
Lucia: *glancing around* Well, you all seem like you could use some loosening up, so here's a series of what-if type outtakes from both the movie and the comics. May I present to you...the cast of X.  
  
Audience: *claps politely*  
  
Outtake number one:  
  
*Subaru and Fuuma appear in the garden, like the scene from the December 2001 Asuka.*  
Fuuma: Subaru, come over to the dark side! I am your father!  
Subaru: Nooooo!  
Nataku: But Daddy, you never told me I had a brother!  
  
Outtake number two:  
Subaru: *deadpan* It's only fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's just games: find the eye!  
  
Outtake number three:  
Kamui is on top of Tokyo Tower, holding Fuuma's head. He looks at it, considering, then stands up and drop kicks it off the edge.  
  
Outtake number four:   
Aoki: We need a new plan. This milling about randomly while the Angels stomp all over us just isn't working. Any ideas?  
Sorata: I know! Kamui should sleep with Fuuma! With any luck, it would be distraction enough that Fuuma would forget the whole destroying-the-world thing.  
Arashi: *thwaps him* Be serious!  
Sora: I am!  
Kamui: O.o  
Sora: Hell, we should all sleep with the enemy to distract them. Well, Aoki can get out of it since he's married, although I'm sure his wife wouldn't mind since it's a good cause. But we need someone to take care of the genderless dude. As the other straight guy here, I have dibs on the computer chick. Karen can have-  
*The other Seals are letting Sora ramble on. Subaru raises his hand abruptly*  
Subaru: Dibs on Seishirou.  
Others: ...  
  
Outtake number five:   
(Final scene from Jan. 2002 Asuka.)  
Sora: (awakens to see Arashi kneeling over him, staring at her sword hand) Aaaahhh! She's gonna kill me![1]  
  
Outtake number six:  
There are very few things that can worry the Sakurazukamori, and only one thing that truly scares him...  
The in-laws.  
Hokuto: Sei-chaaaaaaaan! (Hokuto attaches herself to Seishirou's neck in a bear hug.) How's Subaru? You've been taking good care of him, right? You've been making him eat, right? And of course, you better not hurt his feelings, and if I come over there again and see your apartment looking like a bachelor's pad, you are in big trouble, young man! (Seishirou is now blue in the face, since Hokuto is attached to his neck.)  
  
Outtake number seven:   
Yuzuriha: (Introducing her new inugami; holds it up for Hinoto's inspection)  
Inuki: (dryly, with British accent) Growl. Snap. Bark.  
  
Outtake number eight:   
Chibi-Kamui: Mama, what should I be when I grow up?  
Tohru: A Poster-Boy of Angst.  
Chibi-Kamui: What's that mean?  
Tohru: It means you get to act real sad all the time and be picked on my manga writers.  
Kamui: Ohhhh...I don't like that job.  
  
Outtake number nine:   
Subaru: Hey, Seishirou-san, I have an idea. Let's fake your death so we can run away to the Bahamas and live Happily Ever After!  
Seishirou: ....OK....  
(On Rainbow Bridge, the smoke clears to show Subaru with his arm stuck through Seishirou's chest. There is a short pause, someone sneezes, and then "Subaru" and "Seishirou" fall over to reveal that they were actually just a wooden prop. Subaru and Seishirou sit behind it, looking sheepish, and Subaru is still sniffling.)  
  
Outtake number ten:  
Sorata: Dang it! They're kicking our butts! There's gotta be something we can do, something they totally wouldn't expect...  
Kamui: (sarcastically) Dress in drag and do the hula?  
Sora: Hey, yeah...  
Subaru: (pulls a curtain over the screen) This fic will not even go there. Thank you for coming and leave a review.  
  
[1] This was my original reaction to the Asuka, since CLAMP just tends to be evil that way. (Yeah, we all love them.) My friend has managed to convince me that the actual significance was that she was the shrine maiden of Ise and so can't use her powers any more. (Two Seals down, five to go. And I bet Arashi is too stubborn to admit anything's wrong and goes out to fight with the rest, Sorata has to protect her, and you know the rest.) 


	2. More eyes and computers...

Outtake number eleven:  
  
Fuuma is dressed in the outfit he was wearing at the end of volume 16.   
Fuuma: This is my Vash the Stampede impression! I like donuts! Wai!  
  
Number twelve:  
Narrator: There are seven dragons of heaven and seaven dragons of earth.   
The dragons of heaven want to preserve humanity, the dragons of earth want to destroy  
it to allow the earth to recover.  
Random audience member: *interjecting* So the Dragons of Earth are kind of like the restart  
button for earth?  
  
Number thirteen:  
What if Subaru and Seishiro's eyes had been completely destroyed, so that they had to   
be replaced with glass eyes?  
Subaru: *fighting Fuuma, along with the other DoH* Oops, hang on guys, my eye just popped  
out...uh...can someone come help me find it?  
  
Number fourteen:  
Tokyo Babylon/X does Romeo and Juliet (OK, so this one's grasping at humor...):  
  
Yuuto: (as Mercutio, somewhat off his rocker)   
O! then, I see, Queen Mab hath been with you!...  
She is the fairies' midwife, and she comes   
In shape no bigger than an agate-stone  
On the forefinger of an alderman,  
Drawn with a team of little atomies  
Athwart men's noses as they lie asleep.  
  
Subaru: (as Juliet) My only love sprung from my only hate!  
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!  
  
Seishiro: (as Romeo) But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?  
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun!   
*mutters* Oi, who wrote these lines? Let's please try not to _ever_ make me any more  
out of character.  
  
Subaru: *looking at his script, pulls out a pen*   
O, *scribbles with pen* Seishiro-san, Seishiro-san! Wherefore art thou Seishiro-san?  
Deny thy... -cherry tree, and refuse thy name;  
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,  
And I'll no longer be a Sumeragi.  
  
Yuuto: *still ranting* A plague o' both your houses!  
They have made worms' meat of me!  
  
Seishiro: *manga sixteen* Thus with a kiss- *stops and corrects in order to be  
situationally appropriate* -Thus with some mysterious words, I die.  
  
In other news, would anyone be interested in seeing a full X does Romeo and Juliet? 


End file.
